Episode 4 - The Game Show!
NEWS REPORT FROM EARTH #61179
-appeared on a third grade math assignment. “Each tree had 56 oranges. If eight slaves picked them equally, then how much would each slave pick?” Then there was another. “If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in one week?”
CUT TO
GAME SHOW THEME SONG
AUDIENCE applauds.
HOST
Welcome to another episode of the BLACK FRIDAY Game Show! I am your Host.
Let’s get started and meet our contestants..
ALLAN
Hi, my name is Allan. I’m from Cincinnati.
HOST
And what do you do Allan?
ALLAN
I’m a marketing consultant.
HOST
Oh? What does that entail?
ALLAN
(laughs) Getting people to buy things mostly. I work with companies and brands to get their message out. I use things like social media, product placement, testimonials. That kind of thing.
HOST
Oh, like Edward Bernays in The Engineering of Consent?
ALLAN
(laughs) A little yeah. That’s very old school though! I like to think that marketing has advanced a little beyond that.
HOST
(laughs)
Wouldn’t that be nice? Welcome to the show Allan, I’m sure you’ll do great.
AUDIENCE applauds.
HOST (cont)
And what about you, Contestant number two?
BRIAN
Hi, I’m Brian. I’m from New York. I used to be a freelance web developer. Now I’m retired.
HOST
What do you fill your days with now, Brian?
BRIAN
Well, it depends on the day. I try and stay active. I can’t play pick-up basketball like I used to, so these days I usually swim because it’s easier on the joints. Uhh. I love to read.
HOST
Ooo, any recommendations for us?
BRIAN
Yeah, actually. I’ve been reading W.H. Auden’s long poem, The Age of Anxiety. I can’t seem to put it down.
HOST
Oh, a poetry lover?
BRIAN
Yeah, I suppose. (laughs nervously)
HOST
Well, good luck Brian. Hopefully we’ll have some poetry categories in today’s contest.
AUDIENCE applauds.
HOST (cont)
Last, but certainly not least, our final contestant.
CAMERON
Hi, I’m Cameron and I’m from Dallas, Texas.
HOST
Tell us a little about yourself Cameron.
CAMERON
I’m a consultant, but I used to work on the Hill.
HOST
Ooo. Now that’s fascinating. We won’t ask which side though. (laughs).
AUDIENCE laughs
HOST (cont)
What made you give up the hurly-burly of politics?
CAMERON
I don’t think I ever gave it up. I still stay active in my local organizations. I still do get-out-the-vote every year. I actually plan to run for local office once my youngest is off to kindergarten.
HOST
Well, good luck, Cameron. And good luck to all our contestants. We’ll take a break and be right back with the first round. Don’t go away!
AUDIENCE applauds.
THEME MUSIC
HOST
And we’re back. Time to go over the rules of the BLACK FRIDAY game show.
DRAMATIC POWER CHORD
HOST (cont)
The rules are straightforward. There are three rounds. In each round I will ask a series of general knowledge questions. Each question is worth one point. At the end of the round, the player with the lowest number of points is eliminated. Any questions before we begin?
HOST
Outstanding. Now what’s the amazing prize our contestants are fighting for today?
DRUMROLL
NEWSREADER
Today’s prize is an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii
UKULELE MUSIC
NEWSREADER (cont).
Today’s winner gets an extended two week stay at the beautiful Four Seasons Resort in Hawaii where they will cater to your every whim. And that’s not all.
HOST
(faux incredulity) It’s not?!
NEWSREADER
The winner also gets ...
DRUMROLL
NEWSREADER (cont)
A FULL TREATMENT COURSE OF TENEBRA!
AUDIENCE loses it.
NEWSREADER (cont)
That’s right. The full Tenebra treatment is valued at over ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. One lucky contestant gets the revolutionary treatment for themselves or a loved one thanks to our friends at Cadmus Pharmaceuticals.
HOST
Now that’s tantalizing. Do you get the treatment before or after Hawaii?
NEWSREADER
(laughs) It’s up to the winner! Good luck, contestants!
HOST
Thank you so much.
(beat)
All right contestants. Here’s the first question.
(beat)
HOST (cont)
Which revolution established the second independent republic in the Western Hemisphere?
[BUZZER-BEEP]
HOST
Cameron?
CAMERON
What was the Mexican revolution?
HOST
Sorry, that’s incorrect. The correct answer was the Haitian revolution. You don’t have to put your answers in the form of a question, by the way. That’s a different game show.
CAMERON
Sorry. Just excited.
HOST
Very well Let’s keep going. Which 18th century scientist coined the term “dysaesthesia aethiopica” [dis-theez-ya eethio-pi-ca]?
[BUZZER-BEEP]
Brian?
BRIAN
Who was Samuel Cartwright?
HOST
Correct. Brian in the lead with one point. Here’s the next question. Remember, once again, you don’t need to phrase your answer in the form of a question.
HOST (cont).
In 1825, France levied an indemnity on Haiti after the Haitian revolution. How much did France demand?
(long beat followed by BELL BUZZER.
No one answers)
HOST
The answer was $150 million in 1825 dollars, or the equivalent of $48 billion in today’s dollars. Either answer would have been acceptable. We can move to our next question-
ALLAN
I’ll take American history, for two points.
HOST
Again, that’s the wrong game show.
This next question has a bonus point.
(beat)
HOST
Why was Emmett Till murdered?
BRIAN
Wait, what?
HOST
I’ll repeat the question. Why was Emmett Till murdered?
ALLAN
(beat)
Wasn’t it because he allegedly whistled at a white woman?
HOST
Correct. Another acceptable answer would have been “racism.”
And now for the one point follow up. What happened to the two men accused of his murder?
BRIAN
What kind of questions are these?
ALLAN
Didn’t they confess after they were acquitted?
HOST
Correct. Again, Allan, you don’t have to phrase your answers as a question.
BRIAN
Hang on a second, these questions are a little-
HOST
Please, no talking when it’s not your turn.
(beat)
HOST
Next question. What is the name of the English scientist who believes “racial homogeneity” is necessary for the survival of “European civilization”?
ALLAN
(beat)
(unsure) Who is Richard Lynn?
HOST
Correct. A bonus point for anyone who can tell us where he taught?
ALLAN
(long beat, then BELL-BUZZER. No one answers).
HOST
It was the University of Ulster in Northern Ireland.
HOST (cont)
(beat)
The score is now Allan with three points, Brain with one point, and Cameron with zero. We’ve come to the last question of the round.
HOST (cont)
This now-deceased scientist argued that “the number of intelligence genes seems to be lower, over-all, in the black population than in the white.”
CAMERON
Was it Arthur Jensen?
HOST
That’s correct! There’s a bonus point for you if you can tell me where he was tenured.
CAMERON
Oh, that’s easy. Berkeley. I went there.
HOST
(incredulous)
That’s correct! So much for liberal Berkeley, am I right?
AUDIENCE laughs.
(beat)
And just like that, Cameron pulls forward with two points, which means she and Allan proceed to the next round.
AUDIENCE applauds
HOST (cont)
Brain, we don’t let anyone leave empty-handed. Tell him what he’s won.
NEWSREADER
Sure thing! Brian’s prize for coming out to play today is a signed copy of Sandra Lee’s Semi-Homemade Kwanzaa Recipes. Congratulations Brian!
AUDIENCE applauds
HOST
Marvelous. We’re going to take a break, and we’ll be right back. Don’t change that channel!
THEME music
AUDIENCE applauds
HOST
We’re back! Allan and Cameron made it to round two, but only one will get our grand prize. Contestants, good work so far. Are you ready for the next round?
CONTESTANTS
Yes
HOST
All right.
(beat)
HOST (cont)
Why did the police murder Fred Hampton?
(long beat then .. BUZZER)
HOST
The answer is, because he was becoming too influential. We would also have accepted “racism” as an answer. Next question.
HOST (cont)
Which American textile magnate and Harvard graduate endowed the journal of scientific racism called Mankind Quarterly?
ALLAN
(long beat)
(unsure)
Uhh … Who was Wicklife (why-cliff) Draper?
HOST
Correct! Next question.
HOST (cont)
Which African emperor gave away so much gold during his pilgrimage to Mecca, that gold prices across the Mediterranean dropped for a decade?
CAMERON
Mansa Musa!
HOST
Correct! Name the advanced civilization in Southern Africa whose existence was suppressed by the white minority government of Rhodesia?
ALLAN
Uh … what is Great Zimbabwe?
HOST
Correct. Allan, you really don’t need to … nevermind. Next question.
HOST (cont)
Name the African leader assassinated at the behest of the CIA.
CAMERON
Uh … that could be anyone, but I think you mean Patrice Lumumba.
HOST
You’re right, that could be a lot of people. I’m looking at the judges …
Lumumba is acceptable. We also would have accepted Thomas Sankara. Point to Cameron.
ALLAN
These questions are definitely … something.
HOST
Next question. How did the world discover King Leopold’s atrocities in the Congo?
CAMERON
I know! Uhh, there was a guy who watched the shipping manifests. And he noticed that Belgium imported a ton of rubber from Congo, but only exported guns and chains.
HOST
Judges? … That’s the right answer. Bonus point if you know the name of this … guy.
CAMERON
It was Morel. Edmund? Edward?
ALLAN
Oh! Edmund Morel? He actually unseated Winston Churchill in the 1922 election. They’re the same guy?
HOST
I’m just the host. I don’t have any answers and-
NEWSREADER
They were the same guy!
HOST
Fascinating. All right, the scores are -
DRAMATIC POWER CHORD
HOST (cont)
Two points to Allan and Cameron ahead with three points.
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
This is the last question of the round. Allan, if you get this point we go to sudden death. Cameron, if you get this point you make it to the final round. Are you ready?
CAMERON and ALLAN
Yes!
HOST
Okay. Final question of the round.
HOST (cont)
All right. This is a two part question. That means you have to answer both parts correctly to get the point .
(beat)
Britain abolished slavery across its empire in 1833. The first question - how much money did Britain spend to compensate the former slaves? Second question - how much money did Britain spend to compensate former slave owners?
TICK TOCK SFX
ALLAN
Well, for the first question, I can’t remember the number but it was forty percent of the Treasury’s income for that year. None of it went to the former slaves - it all went to the former slave owners.
HOST
The judges are saying that … Allan is correct. The actual sum in 1833 was nineteen million pounds. Which was, in fact, forty percent of Britain’s tax receipts for the year, and five percent of the country’s GDP. So Allan makes it even which means we go to …
(beat)
DRAMATIC POWER CHORD
HOST (cont)
SUDDEN DEATH!
AUDIENCE applause
HOST
Congratulations to you both. A well-fought round. Time for a quick break. We’ll be right back. Don’t go away!
THEME SONG
AUDIENCE applause
PRODUCER
And commercial. Sixty seconds guys!
HOST
Well done Allan. You struggled a little out of the gate but your game improved. That last question was masterfully done. Did you know it or … ?
ALLAN
I think I must have read it somewhere. Plus, I figured it would take a lot of money to keep former slave owners from revolting. Maybe we’d have avoided the Civil War if we had compensated the slave owners?
CAMERON
I just pulled it up on my phone. Apparently Britain was still paying off that slave owner money until the mid 1990s!
HOST
Really?
ALLAN
Yeah. They financed it with debt and paid it off over the last two hundred years. It makes sense.
CAMERON
You mean … British taxpayers alive today were paying off former slave owners from two centuries ago?
HOST
(laughs)
That’s incredible.
PRODUCER
Ten seconds!
HOST
Good luck to you both.
PRODUCER
In five, four
THEME MUSIC
AUDIENCE applause
HOST
Welcome back! We are now at sudden death.
This is for all the marbles. Allan and Cameron have duked it out for every point, but it comes down to this one last question.
DRAMATIC POWER CHORD
HOST (cont)
If one of you gets it right, you’re getting our grand prize. But if neither of you gets it right, you leave with nothing.
(beat)
Here’s the question. Two horses, one black, one white, are running up a hill. Which one gets to the top first?
CAMERON
Uhh … the black horse?
HOST
Sorry Cameron, that’s incorrect.
ALLAN
The white horse!
HOST
Sadly, that’s also incorrect. Good show by you both. Thank you for playing the BLACK FRIDAY Game Show! Join us next week for another thrilling episode. I’ve been your host - goodnight!
AUDIENCE applause
CUTS to AIRPLANE DING
NEWSREADER
Hey. I’m sorry to wake you, but we’re about to land.
HOST
(groggy)
Okay, thanks.
(yawns)
Christ, that was a weird dream.
NEWSREADER
Are you all right?
HOST
Yeah.
NEWSREADER
What was your dream about?
HOST
(beat)
I was hosting this really weird game show. The grand prize was that Black Friday drug. And a trip to Hawaii.
NEWSREADER
Sounds interesting.
HOST
(beat)
Hey, can I ask you a weird question?
NEWSREADER
Go for it.
HOST
It’s a really weird question, you might think I’m crazy.
NEWSREADER
We’re just strangers on the same flight. No judgments here.
HOST.
Okay, here goes.
(beat)
Two horses are running up a hill. One horse is black, the other horse is white. Which one gets to the top first?
(beat)
NEWSREADER
Isn’t it obvious?
(beat)
The faster horse.