Episode Four - Really Black

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Hey everyone this is Tycho. Before we get started today, first thank you for listening to the show. If you like it, please rate and review on Apple podcasts.

Second, please share it with a friend. That’s the best way to get more people to listen to the show.

Third we will be taking a break and be back January 10th with episode five. So, stay tuned. We’re halfway through. I promise it will be worth it.

And with that, on with the show.

[INTRO]

MARK descends a stair case into an open street, enters the car, shuts the door.

GRAHAM

Hey. Have you seen this? They’re talking about you.

GRAHAM turns up the volume

NEWSREADER

… the phenomenon is popularly called “Black Friday” where it seems that a random subset of people wake up to discover they have transformed overnight into black people. It is causing some consternation, with lawmakers pushing public health officials for an explanation …

MARK

Yeah, I saw my doctor but she said it wasn’t anything to worry about

[CAR hums to life]

GRAHAM

You still don’t feel any different?

MARK

No, not really.

GRAHAM

You didn’t respond to my text. what did the partners want?

MARK

Oh, that. So I was in my office and I get this call, right?

CUT TO

[Telephone ringing]

MARK

This is Mark

BOSS 1

Hi Mark, can you come to my office for a minute?

MARK

Sure thing.

[Hangs up]

[MARK walks to the office, and knocks]

BOSS 1

Mark, come in, come in. Shut the door behind you.

[door shuts]

BOSS 2

We just wanted to give you the good news Mark. The other partners have agreed and we’d like to offer you an equity partnership as of this fall.

MARK

I …  I don’t know what to say. Thank you, this is a dream come true.

BOSS 1

It’s long overdue, especially given the amount of work you’ve done for the firm. How long have you been with us now?

MARK

Nine years.

BOSS 2

Long overdue.

BOSS 1

Congratulations are in order. Scotch? I’d say it was warranted given the occasion.

MARK

No, none for me, I have a client call in a few minutes.

BOSS 2

Well, join us later for a celebratory lunch?

MARK

I definitely will. Thank you both.

CUT TO back in the car

GRAHAM

Congrats man! Nobody deserves it more than you.

MARK

Thanks … the look on your face says “but.”

GRAHAM

The look on my face says nothing. I’m genuinely happy for you, my dear friend of many, many, years.  

(long beat)

MARK

But?

GRAHAM

(beat)

But isn’t it suspicious that they offer you a partnership two weeks after you … changed?

MARK

These things take months and years to decide.

GRAHAM

I know. Maybe it’s a huge coincidence and-

MARK

And I have been billing something like 2200 hours a year for the last five years.

GRAHAM

Yeah, and-

MARK

It’s not like I didn’t work for this. I didn’t ask for … this either!

GRAHAM

Whoa, okay, okay. I’m sorry.

(beat)

I’m just a bit cynical, you know. It isn’t like the partners to be progressive and inclusive.

MARK

It does help their image to have me there.

GRAHAM

Even though you weren’t born that way?

MARK

Look, how and where you were born is no one’s fault.

GRAHAM

Well. Anyway. Be prepared for a lot of side-eye for the next few months.

MARK

Why’s that?

GRAHAM

Because I’m not the only cynical one there. We all know that the in-thing now is to look inclusive. I’m just saying - how inclusive is it to have you?

MARK

So, what? You’re saying that, unlike you, I’m not really black?

GRAHAM

No, I’m saying the partners are trying to pass you off as “really black”. That’s the cynical part. I was there as long as you were, and I didn’t get no damn partnership offer!

MARK

You’re not exactly worse off for it running your own firm, Mr. Tesla McFancywatch.

GRAHAM

Look, I care about my carbon footprint-

MARK

I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the smug sound of this electric car-

GRAHAM

-and I also happen to think that having a fine collection of watches to pass on to your children is-

MARK

How do you even pronounce that? Djay-ger Le Cool Truh?

GRAHAM

Man … it’s Jaeger LeCoultre. The J makes a soft ‘g’. Like Sh-jay-jer. Say it with me, Mark. Shjay-jer ...

MARK

Why not just get some Rolexes?

GRAHAM

First of all, you philistine, the plural of Rolex watch is Rolex watches. Not Rolexes. Make sure to remember that at your first partner meeting. Assert your dominance early.

Second, Rolex watches are for yuppies who don’t know anything about horology-

MARK

Jesus Christ, there’s a fancy word for fancy watches?

GRAHAM

Yes there is, Mark. I learned it from reading books.

MARK

Ha ha. Very funny.

GRAHAM

Third, I gotta hustle to pay for Alex’s kindergarten. You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get him a spot.

(beat)

Do you even remember kindergarten? Formative years, my ass.

MARK

Yeah. One time this kid stapled his own palm and walked around showing the staple to everyone.

GRAHAM

What kind of fucked up kindergarten did you go to?

MARK

I don’t remember. It was probably the same place I got my law degree.

GRAHAM

Oh yeah, now that you’ve made partner they’ll be coming around asking you for some monaaay.

MARK

Ha! They can get fuck all out of me. Maybe you should leave them one of your fancy watches?

GRAHAM

I will if they pronounce Jaeger LeCoultre right.

MARK

How old is Alex right now? Four?

GRAHAM

Yeah. He reminds me a lot of you, surprisingly.

MARK

How’s that?

GRAHAM

Complaining all the time. Needs help with his shoelaces. And when he’s stressed out, he hits the bottle real hard.

MARK

Sure, let’s pick on the freshly-minted black guy.

GRAHAM

(laughs)

But I’m serious man, how are you holding up?

MARK

It’s … different in the strangest ways.

GRAHAM

How do you mean?

MARK

Well, now I’ve noticed how much people just look at me. See that lady over there looking at us? On the crosswalk?

GRAHAM

Yeah.

MARK

Is she doing that because there’s two black guys in a car?

GRAHAM

Probably. You’ll get over it.

MARK

It’s more like I never noticed it before. Maybe people always looked?

GRAHAM

(laughs)

Trust me. They didn’t.

MARK

And another thing! Last night I went to this burger place, but it was late and I couldn’t tell if it was open. So I ask this dude standing by the door if they were still open, and … you won’t believe what he said to me

GRAHAM

What did he say?

MARK

He said … “sorry, I don’t have any change.”

GRAHAM

What the fuck?

MARK

I KNOW!

GRAHAM

So was it open?

MARK

The burger place? Yeah. I keep walking by the place now hoping to see that guy again.

GRAHAM

Why?

MARK

I think I just enjoy making him uncomfortable.

GRAHAM

You are consummately fucked up, you know that?

(long beat)

[sigh] Alex asked me what color he was a few days ago. Not sure if it was something he heard.

MARK

What did you say?

GRAHAM

Same thing my parents did when I asked. I deflected. Asked him what color he thought he was.

MARK

Which is?

GRAHAM

Dark-brown with brown eyes. That’s what he said.

MARK

Hmm.

GRAHAM

Hm?

MARK

Nothing. Just thinking. If I had kids now, would they be … given my circumstances …

GRAHAM

What, white? Would that even matter to you?

MARK

Well, no. I don’t know. I never really gave it any real thought.

GRAHAM

Alex’s mother is white.

MARK

Yeah, I remember Emma. Do you still talk?

GRAHAM

Dude, we got back together two years ago. You were over for dinner last month.

MARK

Oh yeah.

GRAHAM

But seriously. Do you care what color your kids would be?

MARK

I guess I do? But it sounds fucked up to say. I mean, your kid is half white but I guess counts as black?

GRAHAM

That’s because whiteness is a kind of fucked up concept to begin with.

MARK

What?

GRAHAM

No, seriously. Think about it. My kid is just as much white as he is black. But because of me, none of his whiteness counts. It’s like my blackness corrupts his whiteness. That’s just classic white supremacy. Can’t tolerate the slightest bit of “impurity.”

MARK

Well, I wouldn’t call it corrupted but-

GRAHAM

It’s like whiteness is this thing that has to be preserved and maintained, but blackness is a thing that just spreads and needs to be contained.

MARK

Now wait a second, I never said-

GRAHAM

I know you didn’t, let’s just drop it.

MARK

Okay.

(long beat)

MARK

I need to ask you a really insensitive question.

GRAHAM

I won’t throw you out of a moving car, so go for it.

MARK

Does Alex get a leg-up because he’s … you know?

GRAHAM

(laughs)

Bi-racial? Diverse? I don’t know. Though you did remind me of a fucked up thing I read on the kindergarten subreddit.

MARK

There’s a kindergarten subreddit?

GRAHAM

There’s a subreddit for everything.

MARK

What did it say?

GRAHAM

The poster was complaining that their kid didn’t get a spot, and that it probably went to a minority student.

MARK

How did he know that was the reason?

GRAHAM

Beats me. But that’s not the fucked up part. The fucked up part is that he wrote he didn’t mind the spot going to a minority kid - structural racism and all. He wanted to know if the kid who got the spot was a real minority.

MARK?

… I’ll bite, what’s a fake minority?

GRAHAM

He means like you, maybe? Or an Asian kid with good test scores? Or black and upper middle class?

MARK

Why do you still read reddit? It’s a cesspool.

GRAHAM

An informative cesspool. Anyway. This guy was saying that Congress is going to pass a law about it soon.

MARK

What, a law that says you can’t legally count as black if you weren’t born black?

GRAHAM

They don’t need a law for that. Basically, it’ll be like an ID check. If you … uhh .. change, you get the ID.

MARK

Race-based ID cards? The courts will flip a shit.

GRAHAM

Don’t be so sure, man. Remember what Andrew Jackson said about the Supreme Court.

MARK

Let Mr. Marshall enforce his ruling.

[Car SLOWS]

GRAHAM

Anyway, here we are.

MARK

Thanks for the lift, man.

GRAHAM

Not a problem. Call me if you need anything, all right?

MARK

I will.